I will try my best not to think. Even when I am not feeling entertained.

I am afraid but I try my best not to show it. I see my parents getting old and slowly begin to fade away & I know that I'm not ready to let them go yet. I cannot even take care I of myself yet and I desperately need them to be there for me, to show me the way. But time doesn't wait for those that lag behind. I am scared and there is no one who can comfort me. I guess I have to accept it, but can one ever accept these things? Can you ever be ready? I can't imagine how.

I am accused of being gloomy and I plead guilty as charged. But I don't brood over myself, the things that I want but don't get, or the things that I get and don't want. Yes, sometimes when things go wrong I do feel down because of them but I am generally thankful for everything I get and everything I have ever got. What depresses me is this sense of helplessness. I cannot save anything or anyone from this state of steady decline that is an essential aspect of life on earth. I can't save these people that I love, I can't save these animals that live and die desperately. I can't save myself either. I see the sadness and loneliness that everyone tries to fight and it breaks my heart that no one can do anything about it. No matter how deeply you feel, even if it breaks you, you cannot escape this. Where can you find any hope? How can there be any hope when you know that everything and everyone must be worn down till there is not a trace left of anything that they used to be? I survive these days with a heavy burden on my heart. It pains me, but I cannot let it go. I can drown it in momentary pleasures but at the end of the day it is there waiting for me. I am helpless and so is all humanity. Yet we feel so much love that we cannot accept this helplessness. We want to fight it, we believe we can. Maybe when you finally can accept it, you can also find some peace in the midst of all this ruthlessness.

It's a mad world. They will take the best of you, masquerading as friends and well wishers. All you will get is ridicule, rejection, being told that you are not good enough, that you are always replaceable no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, they will throw you a bone to keep you from complaining too much, a compliment here, a kind word there; but don't be fooled. It's because they need you. When your purpose is served they will throw you away to rot. But you can't lose heart, you have to live in between the lines even if it hurts. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, don't treat yourself like they will treat you given half a chance. And be the best that you can be, be kind, considerate, give joy even if it is hard sometimes to give and expect nothing in return. All that matters at the end of the day is peace, not happiness.

It's not love if it makes you cry.
It's not love if it wants and never gives.
Love is gracious, ever changing, ever the same.
If it imprisons you it's not love.

I don't want to be your ball and chain.
I want only to feel safe for a moment.
But I can never not be afraid of change,
And I cannot change to be the one you need.

What I lose every time is a part of me,
I live with half a soul and I yearn to be complete.
I yearn for silence, for darkness, 
Where there is no more yearning.

I wish I could never ever be seen,
I could be with you and watch you in silence,
I could embrace you with all my formless being,
And you would never feel.

You only live when you live without fear,
And you only live when you love without fear,
Without want, without need, without hopes...
I will love and I will break, someday I will stop being afraid.